Retreat Reflections

February 25, 2015

IMG_0673_mosscoveredrocktallborderI attended my first week-long silent retreat at the end of January. It was powerful and scary and instructive and illuminating and difficult and heart-opening and confusing and insight-provoking and wonderful and sad and mindless and mindful.

A lot happened but here are some observations that I feel are relevant to our attempts to integrate this practice into our daily lives and hearts.

First, the level of mindfulness that entered my body as a result of that much slowing down was profound and welcome. I have not managed to retain the same level of attention and presence here in daily, busy, distracting “life”, but certainly some amount and understanding of it remains. I feel generally slower, and I’m working on being ok with that — no simple task here in our culture that pushes action, productivity, accomplishment, competition, speed, and more, more, more of everything, all the time!

The other big shift was having the time and space to open up to some very difficult emotions I don’t normally allow full expression of in my busy life, even with a consistent daily meditation practice for support. By repeatedly witnessing the feelings as they arose, and my desperate and methodical attempts to stuff them or push them away or obsessively problem-solve in order to fix (ha!) the external circumstances I associated with them, I learned so much about the particular habits, patterns and types of thinking I use (yes, use) to escape from these feelings and fears. So I’m watching all of that with keener vision and more compassion now that I’m “back”.

Finally, here is one of my favorite quotes from the retreat:

“There is suffering that leads to the end of suffering, and suffering that leads to more suffering. The less willing we are to experience the former, the more of the latter we will receive.”

I find this fascinating, profound, true, scary, and helpful. It’s a reminder that sometimes the way to freedom isn’t all easy, simple, clear, joyful and light. There is usually work, and effort, and murk, and pain and heaviness along the way. Typically when we “give up” or “let go” of something we know is not in the service of our highest good, we do suffer — we are faced with uncertainty, loss, fear, emptiness, loneliness, and all sorts of discomfort. And this suffering is not necessarily a signal that we are on the wrong track! Rather, it is potentially leading us to a release of some clinging or attachment that has had us hooked and miserable (the suffering that leads to more suffering!) and therefore, ultimately, to a lightening of our load. It is helping rather than harming. It is part of the end of our suffering, and, consequently, our healing.

As amazing as it was to dedicate a solid week to this work in a retreat context — and I am so grateful for the opportunity — this is not always an option. Fortunately, just as valid and important is the work we have the opportunity to do every day, every hour, every moment, here, in daily “real” life, within the containers of our jobs, our families, our communities, our hopes and dreams, our selves.

It’s the work of slowing down, paying attention, honoring what’s really happening, and gaining a deeper understanding of our relationship to our own suffering and that of the world. In a nutshell, it’s the work of mindfulness. And, thankfully, there are no barriers to entry.


Make Space for Heart-Centered Intentions

January 4, 2015

sunset_OBHere we are again, at the turning of another year. As arbitrary as the date “January 1″ is in so many ways, it does bring with it the seed of awakening. Like the space between breaths, it presents us with the opportunity to pause, to honor and reflect on what came before, and to wonder about, plant seeds for, and even envision what is yet to come.

It is the time of year we often set goals and commit to changes in our lives. These are usually called “New Year’s Resolutions”. I personally have a reaction to the word “resolution” due to the energy of intensity, single-mindedness, inflexibility, determination and even tension I associate with it. It implies an endpoint, or a final goal which must be reached, which feels limiting, and can be a set-up for failure.

How many new year’s “resolutions” have you managed to keep perfectly over time? I imagine that for most of us, this form of achievement is the anomaly rather than the norm. And the feelings of inadequacy that so often prompt the resolutions are at the root of so much suffering in our own lives and in our culture as a whole.

So instead, I practice intention-setting: identifying and committing to practices or shifts that serve my highest good and that of others, with the awareness that on this path there might well be setbacks, or difficulties, and that I might make mistakes, and I might forget, and I might fall down. I will try and learn from those pitfalls/detours, wake up to them, and then return to the path, re-commit to the intention, and go forth with new wisdom and hopefully a stronger capacity for sticking with my dream, hope, intention, desire — ideally without adding a whole pile of self-judgement that will just complicate matters and make the path muddier, longer, rockier and more isolated.

In setting intentions, or resolutions, or goals, or whatever name feels right to you for this process, here are some thoughts that might be helpful:

**Make some time for inquiry.
Inquire about the motivation behind the intention. Are you coming from a place of guilt, shame, self-critique, self-judgement, even self-hatred? Are you coming from a place of worry, anxiety, fear, competition, or ego? Or are you coming from a place of love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, and a desire for healing? A simple investigation into what lies underneath the intention can be very informative, and help you weed out which ones have the most strength, value and potential for success and good karma behind them (the ones that come from love, of course!)

**Don’t overdo it. A list of 10 things is probably too big. Maybe pick the one that feels the most important, and the one that feels the most attainable, and start with those two.

**Find the middle way. We need enough discipline to put in the effort required to make the change, do the work, practice, whatever it is. But we also need enough flexibility to allow space for the inevitable wobbles and instability and confusion and setbacks that come with most transitions. Find the midpoint between compulsion and laziness, and you’re on the right track.

**Don’t do it alone. If possible, share your intention with someone, and listen to theirs. This introduces not only a level of accountability, but also the opportunity for support, and the simple beauty of revealing our deepest desire and most tender heart to another human being.

**Don’t force it.
In order for them to hold, changes (especially the big ones) require us to have some sort of support network in place, a deep understanding of the cravings behind the unhealthy behaviors, a readiness that can’t be manufactured. Deciding to make a big change arbitrarily on a given date (Jan 1) might work out, but it might also backfire if the deep will and understanding aren’t yet there. So having wisdom around what difficulties might present themselves, and having in place some form of support (people, systems, community, groups, alternatives, whatever!) before jumping in is probably wise.

**Make it a daily practice.
While the first of the year provides an obvious opportunity to take stock and make change, we can also consider every day (every moment, even!) a little microcosm of this turning point. In every single moment, we have the opportunity to set and manifest intentions to act in ways that are more loving and kind, to commit or recommit to some sort of daily spiritual practice, to forgive, to serve, to share our wisdom. We don’t have to wait, white-knuckling it, through a whole year until January 1 to live a life full of promise, inspiration and positive shifts!

I will leave you with a link to Thich Nhat Hanh’s powerful and on-the-mark Five Mindfulness Trainings for something to consider in the realm of intentions, promises, vows, commitment. It is worth ten minutes of your time to read these through. Personally, they have provided me with much strength and a guiding light for how to live ethically and joyfully. I think you might find them beautiful, touching and inspirational as we head into a new year!

And here is the simplified version he offers to children (the Two Promises):

* I vow to develop understanding in order to live peacefully
with people, animals, plants, and minerals.
* I vow to develop my compassion in order to protect the lives
of people, animals, plants, and minerals.

Now that’s a very fine place to start ;-)

May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace,
Charity


Sit Breath Love: Guided Meditations for Children and their Grown-Ups

January 3, 2015

SBL_9_600Dear friends,

In conjunction with the birth of the new year, we are very excited to announce the birth of a new JAM project:

Sit Breathe Love:
Guided Meditations for Children and their Grown-Ups

Listen + Download Here

Our intention is to share every month or so a new guided meditation you can listen to and practice with the children in your family or classroom. Click the “Follow” button on the download page to be notified when we add new ones.

These meditations will be in the mindfulness vein, and will touch on such areas as awareness of breath, cultivation of lovingkindness and non-harming, mindful listening, body scans, gratitude, joy, difficult feelings, and beyond.

Our January offering is called “Ball of Light Meditation”. You can use this guided meditation with your children when you’d like to cultivate a little peace and love. Try it at bedtime, or perhaps in the morning before leaving the house, to plant seeds of presence, calm and kindness. Listen, relax, and enjoy!

I use these meditations in my JAMcamps with children aged 4-10, but you can try with younger and older children, too, and see what happens.

Perhaps the most important thing is to model for your children your commitment to cultivating your own mindfulness. So do the practices with them as often as you can! You will show them, via embodiment, that it is important to you, too, and that you have faith in its value.

We would love to hear about how, where and when you use these practices, and how your children respond to them. So stay in touch!

May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace in the new year and always ;-)

Take care,
Charity


Let Us Bend and Incline Toward Love

December 30, 2014

heartinclouds_IMG_0522“What a person considers and reflects upon for a long time, to that his mind will bend and incline. This is why we practice.”

This is one of my favorite statements from the Buddha. It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what is going on in our external environment, we do still have agency in our lives, in a very straightforward and meaningful way — we can train our minds to default to the path of love.

So often, we dwell on the negative, or practice judgement, or worry obsessively about the future or the past, or harbor anger and hatred or even simple irritation toward another. When we inhabit these mental spaces, we are carving deeper and deeper the pathways in our brain for this type of thinking, making it more likely that we will continue to think this way automatically in the future.

That’s why it’s called a “rut” — we are literally priming the neural pathways in the brain to have a particular type of response to the world, following the well-worn footsteps we’ve often unknowingly left in the sand of the mind.

So if we instead put some effort into cultivating forgiveness, lovingkindness, patience, non-judgement, understanding and love, we are strengthening THOSE pathways in the mind, and our thoughts are more likely to fall into THOSE ruts, trace those outlines, follow those stream beds. If we’re going to create ruts anyway — if that is what the brain does — we might as well carve them out of love!

Certainly, then, we would like to transition our thinking from defaulting more frequently to the negative side of things to defaulting more frequently to the positive. But we will never be successful at this unless we understand our thinking in the first place, and observe firsthand the suffering and patterning and habits we are causing and creating ourselves. This is one of the main reasons to practice meditation — to begin to know the mind, to befriend the mind, to start having enough space around our thinking that we can (at least sometimes) NOTICE we are going down an old harmful road, and, in that moment, choose a more healthy path.

This is NOT, by the way, a prescription for ignoring or avoiding our emotions or pain or feelings or reality. It’s also not the same as the law of attraction where one tries to magnetize certain experiences or things into one’s life using positive thinking. Quite the opposite, this is about looking squarely in the face of what’s actually happening, noticing what kind of thinking we are creating about it, and seeing if that type of thinking is something we really want to be “doing” to ourselves. This is like considering whether to choose a bowl of steamed kale or a can of Coke once we truly understand the health benefits/hazards of both (sorry if you love Coke!)

The questions are: What kind of life do we want to live in this moment, how do we want to feel about our choices in the next moment after they’ve been made, and how do we want our choices in this lifetime to affect others? So often, making healthy, helpful (to self and other) choices starts with awareness. When we are aware of our motivations and the workings of the mind, we simply have the tools and capacity to love better.

Perhaps something here resonates with you, speaks to you, calls to you. If so, consider setting an intention for the New Year around your meditation practice, or around some beautiful and healing quality of heart or mind you would like to cultivate this year, or around some harmful “thought rut” you would like to understand better and perhaps let go of or at least allow to have less of a stranglehold on you going forward.

Let us “bend and incline” our hearts and mind toward love, peace and freedom from suffering for all beings, this year and always.

May you be happy, healthy, safe and at peace!


Lovingkindness Practice: Concrete Action for the Chaos of Our Times

October 18, 2014

elephant-metta-borderI am constantly struck by how many opportunities we have as humans to be more present and more compassionate. We have truly been given a precious opportunity to continue growing up into more wise and loving creatures. This is one fact that helps me remain in love with and committed to life despite its outrageous challenges and seemingly never-ending pitfalls.

I hosted one of my JAMcamps this past Monday for 14 children ages five through eight. Our theme for the day was “non-harming”. In addition to singing songs and making art and books related to this theme, we practiced a little meditation I call Finger Meditation. Basically, we “promise” or set an intention that “we will NOT HARM people, animals, plants, the earth, or ourselves.” We also “promise” or set an intention that “we will HELP people, animals, plants, the earth, and ourselves.” And we simply commit to doing our best in these areas, and to staying present for opportunities where we can choose non-harming over harming, and choose helping over doing nothing.

These little children understand immediately the power and relevance of these promises and intentions. They comprehend deeply the necessity of making them. They unabashedly want to follow through on them. They literally shine with light and love as we discuss things like why it’s important not to intentionally squash a spider, why it’s a worthwhile endeavor to respect the incredible complexity and intelligence of an ocean and its creatures, why it’s crucial that we treat each other and everything with respect, why it might be a healthy choice to shake off our hands after washing them rather than use yet another tree-born paper towel. The brilliance, intelligence and heart I continually witness in the children I share time with gives me more hope for the future of our planet than most things. They GET it.

It is important for us to find and nourish these sources of inspiration, lest we fall into the traps of apathy, depression, overwhelmth, and fear. For apparently we have been born into a time of great upheaval, change, chaos, even darkness. Most of our political, economic, social and environmental systems are desperately off balance and increasingly sick. If you are awake to what is actually occurring, you certainly feel at times overwhelmed, paralyzed, confused, angry and/or apathetic. Yet we are tasked with the seemingly crazy and impossible job of making sense of all of this, while somehow continuing on with our lives with a modicum of equanimity, compassion, joy and ideally also a dash of optimism and a dose of helpful action.

So what are we to do about it all?

Obviously, there’s no “top ten” list to answer that question. Yes, we should change our light bulbs, but that can’t be where we stop. Unfortunately there’s no single big “fix” we can make in our own personal lives (like moving to the land), or in the workings of the systems of which we are an inseparable part (like gaining control of the Senate), that will turn this ship around. But there is very important work to be done in the world, so we do continue to make choices that are healthy for ourselves and our communities and our environment — some of them big and radical and transformative — and we certainly must continue to vote. And there is VERY important work to be done on ourselves — to awaken to and shatter the forces of greed, hatred and delusion within our own hearts and minds. This has always been true, and it is perhaps even more true and urgent now.

There’s a wonderful Pali word that speaks to this moment we inhabit and how we feel about it: samvega. It basically means, “a sense of shock, anxiety and spiritual urgency leading to wise action.” Certainly one of the best and most effective forms of wise action for us as human beings in the face of today’s immense challenges and the associated difficult emotions that come up for us is to continue and deepen our meditation practice. For this practice has as one of its fruits the strengthening and fortification of our ability to bring more presence and awareness to everything — every moment, person, situation, emotion, thought, experience. And the better able we are to be present, non-reactive, non-judgmental and clear, the better chance we have of behaving in a way that helps rather than harms.

We need to practice (ideally, daily!) in order to strengthen these tendencies and habits — in order to water the seeds of kindness, generosity, gratitude, forgiveness, and love inside of us, rather than the seeds of greed, hatred, fear, doubt and delusion which we all also carry within. Training our minds and hearts and changing ourselves in this way WILL ultimately change the “outside” world, for we are inextricably woven through with that entire world — all of its molecules, all of its energy, all of its beings and non-beings. There is no true separation we can actually measure. Inter-being is a fact. So the transformative effect of this work we do with and inside of ourselves in meditation practice is not something to underestimate.

Merriam-Webster defines crisis as follows: “a difficult or dangerous situation that needs serious attention” and “the turning point for better or worse in an acute disease or fever”. I just love this! For certainly, we are, here and now, alive during a time that “needs serious attention”. And certainly things are both “difficult” and “dangerous”. But notice the “better or worse” clause. It is as if the earth and humanity were infected with an acute disease, and we are right now at or approaching the height of the infection. In which direction will the illness go? Toward death, or toward life? Toward annihilation, or toward a great turning? I firmly believe we can do our part to turn this crisis in the direction of love and healing, starting from our very own meditation cushions.

One beautiful and effective way to fortify the mind and heart and create stability in your practice, especially during difficult times or when emotions are running high, is to practice Metta, or Lovingkindness, meditation, on a regular basis. There are some wonderful guided meditations available on the internet here and here and here, and you can read more about the practice here and here and here. The basic idea is to generate feelings of goodwill in ever-widening circles, beginning with yourself. The technique employed in the meditation is to repeat certain phrases over and over again, dropping them into your heart, cultivating this sense of wishing others well as you go along:

“May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I be at peace.

May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe. May you be at peace.”

In addition to a very beautiful way of loving and caring for ourselves, this practice nourishes the heart, stabilizes the mind, and is generally a comforting place to land. Certainly, we can all use all the comfort we can get these days. And the odds of us being able to find and cultivate this comfort within, taking charge of our own suffering and our own karma, are a lot higher than finding it in any leader or system or anything external for that matter. Yes, we have to mother ourselves. And, in doing so, we mother the world.

So, we must find ways to act, and we must find ways to sit and do nothing. Start off be getting inspired by some human beings practicing courageous and dramatic action in support of the healing of our earth — the Pacific Climate Warriors’ recent efforts in the seas off Australia. And then spend some time on your cushion, loving the earth by loving yourself, being kind to the earth by being kind to yourself, cultivating the wish for ALL BEINGS to be happy, healthy, safe and at peace. This is certainly something we can do.

October Mindfulness Tip: Practice Lovingkindness Often!
Experiment with adding a short (5-minute) or longer (25-minute) lovingkindness practice to your meditation schedule. Perhaps 2-3 times per week for the next month, replace your daily meditation with a period of lovingkindness. Alternately, you can end each of your regular sits with a short period of lovingkindness practice. Or even expand your practice to add a lovingkindness meditation on a day you’ll also do your regular mindfulness practice (For example, when I can make the time, I like to practice Lovingkindness in the morning, and do a regular sit later on. It starts my day off in such a gentle way and sets the stage for kindness and a more open heart all day long). This is also a wonderful practice to do as a “last thing” before you go to sleep. Get cozy, release your the worries and anxieties and stress of your day into the bed/floor/earth, and give yourself a little extra love! Finally, if it feels overwhelming to do the whole practice (starting with yourself, moving to a benefactor or friend, then a neutral person, then a difficult person, then all beings), just stay with yourself and practice there. You’re worth it!

I will leave you with a song. It’s about lovingkindness and sharing our love, all around. Sing it in the shower. Sing it with your kids. Sing it to your partner. Sing it to the trees and the oceans and the rivers and the skies and the breeze. And sing it to your very own heart.

I love you.

charity_signature


Riding the Wave of Impermanence

September 23, 2014

autumn-leaves-on-branch-cropSummer has come and gone once again. My mind travels back to my Wisconsin childhood and fond recollections of this bittersweet time of year — the air shifting to crisp and cool, leaves turning color and texture, our steps crunching and crackling as we walked home from school, the earth emanating pungent smells of transformation, sunsets arriving ever more quickly each day.

A certain melancholy permeates these memories, for this season called Fall always brought with it a tinge of sadness, probably due to the outward sense of loss visible everywhere — the barefoot freedom and comfort of summer replaced by a slight shivery chill and now-necessary jacket; leaves abandoning the mother tree to return to the earth; black criss-cross branches standing stark and lonely against the sky where before there had been only a vibrant sea of green; geese flying by over head, taking leave in search of longer days and warmer nights; and all earth-rooted beings turning to browns, golds, oranges, reds, and yellows, going out together in a fiery farewell blaze.

The word “fall”, in and of itself, has a poignancy to it, and implies a sense of loss. We usually fall “down” or fall “from” a higher place to a lower, or lose time or distance, or perhaps even injure ourselves when it happens. We fall from grace, fall short, fall apart. Fall implies change, and, semantically and mathematically at least, not always in a positive direction.

But “falling” is our reality. We are always falling toward the earth, falling toward old age, falling toward death. This does not have to be depressing. It can simply be “the way it is”.

For impermanence IS our reality. Everything changes. Everything experiences injury, illness and old age. Everything is born, lives, dies. Nothing escapes this cycle. Not us. And not those we love the most.

We know this, but somehow refuse to accept it on a foundational level. Despite impermanence being the deep and resonant truth of existence, so much of our suffering is brought on by our denial of it — our resistance to change, our inability to find equanimity in the face of the fact of persistent transience, our unwillingness to accept that we don’t have control over the external circumstances in our lives. For example…

My 15-year-old son, Jasper, sustained a concussion at soccer practice five weeks ago. The last month has been an emotional and logistical roller-coaster — attempting to research and figure out the best treatment options, making decisions about how long to keep him out of sports and school so the brain has a chance to fully recover, managing my deepest fears and worries about his well-being and future.

Things had been going so smoothly for him up to this point in all aspects of his life — soccer, school, family, social life. And when his injury occurred and everything came to a screeching halt, I resisted. Every cell of my being fought back against the reality that change was afoot, and a deep, monstrous craving for his return to perfect health (and fast!) was born.

My personal work this past month has been to find a balance between this Mother Bear craving/fear/desire/wig-out and the acceptance that he is injured, and will take some time to heal, and that there is no quick fix, and that the study and treatment of brain injuries are still baby science in so many ways (frustrating!), and that hardly any clear answers are readily available. I have had to find some sanity underneath (and despite) my mind’s deep resistance to the fact that “this is really happening”.

This situation is one where suffering obviously will occur for everyone involved. But, as always in life, I have some control over how bad the suffering gets. I can choose to calm my mind and heart, and gather the strength to be Jasper’s advocate, the courage to believe he can heal, the patience to be present for the process, whatever it looks like, and ultimately the acceptance that much of this is out of my hands. The alternative is to completely lose it and become a tornado of fear and neurosis that is harmful to my son, my family, and my self. So I’m going for the first option. To the best of my ability. And that’s where the practice comes in.

We practice meditation every day so that when the crises in life hit, we have a foundation of sanity from which to act. We practice dissolving our beliefs in our thoughts, fears, stories and worries, so so they will not define us and drive our choices. And we practice acceptance of impermanence with an act as simple as watching a sensation in our body appear, transform, and disappear. This is happening all the time, with our breath, in our bodies, with our feelings and thoughts, and in our everyday lives. Rising and falling, rising and falling, rising and falling. All of it. All of the time.

One of my favorite quotes (attributed to Ian Maclaren) goes something like this: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Maybe a more non-violent phrasing is, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is falling apart.” It can be sad to fall. We feel it in the rawest recesses of our tender hearts. So we love, and we live, and we let go. We accept the reality of impermanence, and that “there’s nothing you can hold for very long.” (Hunter/Garcia, Stella Blue). And we try to do it all from a place of wisdom, clarity, sanity and kindness. And this is called being alive.

Here is a beautiful story from Thich Nhat Hanh (Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life), reminding us of the inevitability, beauty and even joy inherent in impermanence:

autumn-leaves-falling-bkgdI asked the leaf whether it was frightened because it was autumn and the other leaves were falling. The leaf told me, “No. During the whole spring and summer I was completely alive. I worked hard to help nourish the tree, and now much of me is in the tree. I am not limited by this form. I am also the whole tree, and when I go back to the soil, I will continue to nourish the tree. So I don’t worry at all. As I leave this branch and float to the ground, I will wave to the tree and tell her, ‘I will see you again very soon.’”

That day there was a wind blowing and, after a while, I saw the leaf leave the branch and float down to the soil, dancing joyfully, because as it floated it saw itself already there in the tree. It was so happy. I bowed my head, knowing that I have a lot to learn from the leaf.

The leaf, our children, our own tender hearts — we have so much to learn from all of these teachers about impermanence and everything else.

Thankfully, Jasper is doing much better. He is on a healing path, back at school, still slightly symptomatic but improving every day. His mood and attitude have been amazing throughout. We are accepting the reality of his injury and also holding positive thoughts and wishes for his health and well-being and recovery. As always, he has been one of my greatest teachers throughout this process. Along with meditating on impermanence. I highly recommend it. Here’s how….

September Meditation Tip: Ride the Wave of Impermanence
Sitting in mindfulness practice provides a wonderful opportunity for improving our ability to notice and accept the ever-changing nature of all phenomena. We can see impermanence most obviously with the breath. The breath is always moving, in and out, in and out, no two breaths identical. Another place to look for and practice befriending impermanence is with sensations in the body. The next time you have an itch while meditating, don’t scratch it. Rather, bring your full attention to it. Watch it as it grows, or shrinks, or moves. Get intimate with the sensation in a way you never have before. And eventually, certainly, it will recede. Without you having anything to say about it. You can watch any bodily sensation like this: a pain in the knee, an ache in the back, tension in the shoulders, tingling in the feet. Whatever the sensation, bring all your mindfulness to it and just watch it transform. It may pulse, throb, shift, grow, shrink, move, etc. Nothing stays the same. Everything is constantly in flux. This, too, shall pass. Believe it, accept it, and watch your suffering decrease as a result!


Take Time Out for Difficult Emotions

August 20, 2014

“The point of spiritual practice isn’t to perfect yourself; it’s to perfect your love.”
— Jack Kornfield

My kids started school this week, with all the attendant excitement and nervousness. Their feelings around it were somewhat complicated: a mixture of gratitude about getting back into a rhythm with friends and teachers, plus excitement about new opportunities for learning and expanding and socializing, combined with the dread of homework and the loss of free time to follow their heart’s desire that summer represents.

It is always a bittersweet transition as a parent, comforting and upsetting at the same time. I am always left wondering if I have done right by my kids, by requiring them to spend the better part of their waking life in school, despite my own internal resistance to how the education of our children is often approached and handled.

Thankfully, this somewhat anxious wondering always transforms after time into a remembering of one fundamental truth: we cannot “protect” our children from life. If we are honest with ourselves, we know that we cannot create the “perfect” life — in terms of external circumstances — for our kids. We need to do our best to set them up well, and then realize that heartache will come, in one form or another. And that this is not bad, and it doesn’t mean we have failed. It just means we are — all of us — alive. And that as long as we remain authentic and present for and madly in love with them as they go through life’s challenges and ups and downs, this is truly all that is required.

One of my favorite books is When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron. Notice that the title reads “When” rather than “If”. Things WILL fall apart. Our job is to continue the work of “perfecting our love” so we have the best chance possible of meeting the tough times (our own, loved ones’, and those of strangers, too) with understanding, compassion, acceptance, and truth.

And just as we cannot actually protect our loved ones from pain, neither can we protect ourselves from bad things happening, or from our difficult feelings. We do ourselves no favors by armoring ourselves against the pain of being human. We do ourselves far more favors by opening ourselves to the tenderness of being alive — learning how to sit with difficult feelings, learning how to let go of control of circumstances outside our control, learning how embrace ALL of our experience.

This is what meditation has the power to teach us, through repeated practice of simple techniques like staying with the breath, bringing our mindful awareness to our difficult emotions, learning how to accept our thoughts but not be dominated by them. There is huge relief and healing in these practices. And when we practice — really practice — we find, bit by bit, that we are perfecting our love.

Meditation Tip: Take Time Out for Difficult Emotions
The next time you feel a difficult emotion coming up, actually put effort into carving out some time to just sit with the feeling. It could be a feeling of sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, grief, loneliness, anxiety, worry, or anything else uncomfortable. Rather than pushing it away or down (denial), being upset that it’s happening (aversion), or moving into story about it (enmeshment), just sit with the feeling itself, allowing it time and space to have it’s natural movement through your body and heart. Resist attempts to disappear into thoughts and ideas “about” the emotion (a running commentary analyzing why you feel this way, whose fault it is, how you’re going to fix it), and instead stay with the energy of the emotion in your body: what does it feel like? where in the body do you feel it? is it changing, staying the same, growing, shrinking, disappearing? Just “hold it”, like you would a crying baby, caring for the feeling with a non-attached, kind, strong and patient love and presence. And see what happens!


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